Board Game(r)s Helped Me Survive My Ph.D…and beyond

July 2025

Kelber Tozini, Ph.D.

I know it sounds weird…but what if it’s real?

I began my doctoral studies in 2019, the same year I completed my second Master’s Degree in the Boston Area. I obtained my first one in Brazil and originally applied to Ph.D. programs in the U.S., but I wasn’t accepted into any of them. However, one of them offered me a scholarship for their Master’s program. In my mind, being exposed to them would help me be seen in the U.S., form a network, and eventually get accepted into a Ph.D. program. Although it worked to some extent for me, I would not recommend this route to anyone.

I moved to the Washington D.C. area in the summer of 2019, and I only knew three people who I had met at a conference at which we had volunteered together. We ended up bonding over our shared frustrations working in higher education and an interest in working in international education. At that conference, these friends warned me not to pursue my studies at that D.C. school— even a professor told me at the admitted students’ day event that I would only get a scholarship if someone who had received the funding ended up going to a “better school”. It’s definitely is not a good look for the program.

However, I didn’t listen to these people’s advice and chose to ignore the warning signs. Was I wrong? Maybe, mainly because I chose the school based on location and my need to prioritize my personal life. I wanted to be in a queer-friendly, international, multicultural city. I also don’t drive, so I needed to be in a city with public transportation. Furthermore, living in D.C. had been a dream of mine since my first visit in 2010. It was full of free museums and other places to visit, and I was mesmerized by a metro system that would get me where I needed to be.

Upon my arrival in the program, I realized things were different. My cohort consisted of four students: myself, a single full-time student, and three full-time married/engaged professionals who were also pursuing their studies part-time. Apart from being in the same program and attending the same classes, I didn’t find many commonalities from a personal standpoint. We wouldn’t hang out after class as I did in my master’s program. My Ph.D. program was totally dedicated to their profile: full-time professionals looking to study part-time and “get their paper.” Additionally, the university offered very few social and academic events to integrate students, no physical spaces for graduate students in my school to socialize, and the research groups promised before our arrival were basically non-existent. I often felt lonely in a big city.

Such experiences forced me to broaden my horizons. I had to find my people. This required going off-campus and getting out of the university bubble. In Boston, I played volleyball in an LGBT pick-up league. I tried doing the same in D.C. Because of scheduling, I initially joined one of the city’s several volleyball leagues (not an LGBT one). However, I did not have a great time there. I did not appreciate the way players were assigned based on gender and not on skills/ability to play the sport. Through its gender-based policy for team composition, the league assumed that women were weaker than men, which wasn’t accurate (most women had better volleyball skills than the men in that league). Because there were more males than females attending the games, we’d have to rotate out during the games. There were times when two women and five men from my team would show up to a game, but there could never be four men on the court, which meant that a spot would be open (and not filled), and the men would have to rotate out. I had spent a significant amount of time outside the court in games that lasted less than an hour. I ended up quitting before the end of the season.

My frustrations led me to then try something different: board gaming. Like most people, I grew up playing Monopoly, Clue, and Uno. I also used games when I was teaching English as a Foreign Language back home that included Scattegories, Pictionary, and Taboo. Thus, trying a board gaming group seemed natural. I had learned through the Meetup app that there were several groups in the DMV area (a.k.a. the DC, Maryland, and Virginia metropolitan areas). I decided to try a few. I found an LGBT group, and two others that were easy to get to, plus I was living close to Labyrinth Games and Puzzles, the only FLGS in the District itself. Labyrinth was a recommendation from a former roommate at the group house I used to live in.

I would often go to these gaming events (every week, two or three times a week) and meet new people in a low-stakes environment. I was now exposed to new games I had never heard of. I still have fond memories of playing Sushi Go Party, Disney Villainous, and Architects of the West Kingdom (still one of my favorite games). Who would say a game about birds could be fun in 2019?

But March 2020 arrived (and the COVID-19 pandemic), and with that, I was stuck in my apartment. I had just made a few friends before the pandemic hit and developed a new passion but couldn’t practice it. Months into the pandemic I was able to connect with friends and play a few games online on Tabletopia. I even dated someone who I played board games with over FaceTime. Some of our dates included learning and playing Forbidden Island and Disney Villainous (which works great as players have their own decks and boards). It also included learning some app-based games such as Sagrada, Lords of Waterdeep, and Ticket to Ride. I was experiencing a whole new world, and I just wanted to have more of it.

In the next stage of the pandemic, the pods, I started hanging with a friend, and we would get together to play more board games. I immediately fell in love with Viticulture and Dune Imperium. I also got to play other games with my new group of gaymers that I had originally met through the Meetup events. Despite still being in my first two years of the Ph.D., I wasn’t enjoying the program as much. Not having an active cohort (online and offline) made it very hard to connect with my peers. Moreover, my dissertation advisor was so focused on himself and his open work that he didn’t care much for his advisees. Within a week, I and another student dropped him to find new advisors.

With the absence of an on-campus support network, I realized that “my people” were from the board gaming groups. Whenever I was stressed with school, I would get together with my gaming friends. One of them would go on walks with me almost daily since that was the safest option for a long time (remember walking outside with a mask on?). Although life went back to “normal” in 2022 as campuses reopened, I was done with my coursework, just working on my dissertation research. Consequently, I was still only hanging out with my board game peeps in my free time.

My love for gaming continued to increase to the point that I went to the three main cons in the U.S.: PAX Unplugged, Origins, and GenCon. I connected with people across the globe through gaming and some used game sales (I met BGA’s very own Anthony through one of these transactions as I bought a game from him). After hundreds of gaming events and flea market transactions through different channels, I have friends across the country.  I even visited some on my vacation to the West Coast.

But my relationships with people in the gaming community went beyond plays: I got to know them and learned some amazing stories. People shared their experiences with immigration in the U.S., while others shared their graduate study trajectories. One shared they were experiencing psychological stress but had never found the right therapist. I encouraged them to not give up and look for a new one as therapy was working for me (they are doing fine now as they found a new one). Two others shared their physical health struggles, including having to deal with cancer while raising a child and losing their job.

Most importantly, some amazing people have listened to my story and helped me with my struggles: for the first time in a long time, I felt heard and seen. These friends have given me rides to and from game nights, bought me meals, helped me move to a new place when I couldn’t transport everything myself, and even provided me with shelter.

The gaming community in the DMV area and other places I lived throughout my Ph.D. (Providence, New York, and St. Louis) have made me feel like I belonged. They enabled me to temporarily forget about the challenges I faced during and beyond the Ph.D. for a few hours. They have become my sources of emotional and psychological support, making me feel safe in a world that can be tough at times, especially in times like these. I still remember the Summer of 2020 when international students were in limbo and had to figure out where to go as the government informed them they would have to leave the U.S. if their universities only offered online courses. This is what led me to change the topic of my research to international student wellbeing and social capital. It was clear that several international students like me were alone in that fight.

As I leave the U.S. for my new adventure, my baggage is also full of the memories I have made alongside the friends I made through board gaming. I am now a much more confident person than I was before. I feel more comfortable with my own identity and do not see my nationality or English language skills as hindrances. In fact, these unique aspects of my ethos made me more resilient and capable of achieving my goals, including completing my Ph.D. and establishing long-lasting friendships as an adult. Despite being able to only play games over Board Game Arena now, I hope I get to see these friends in the future. Unfortunately, I do not believe I will be in the US anytime soon.

If it weren’t for board game(r)s, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I am in a much better headspace and grateful for them.

P.S.: I am now living in Korea, and I quickly found a board gaming group in my city. Most gamers are also foreigners, which helps with culture shock and loneliness. In my second month here, I got to travel to Japan for their Game Market, the largest indie board game convention. Through communities on Discord, I connected with fellow attendees. Despite traveling alone, I spent most of the time with those I chatted with online. One of them even brought me games from the U.S. that I would otherwise be unable to buy.

P.S.: If you are in the U.S. and you know an international student, reach out to them. 2025 has been a difficult year and many international students are struggling with all the policy changes happening, living in fear and unsure of their future. Please check on them, and if possible, invite them to a game.