The Social Paradox of Gaming and Introverts

February 2025

Matthew Makak, LMHC

Board gaming is as much an extroverted activity as an introverted one, and that paradox is interesting to explore. Board games are deeply social while also being a reserved experience (assuming one plays more than only solo-driven board games). Further, board gaming is an activity that builds connections, friendships, and a sense of identity. These three facets of the human experience can be difficult to develop and maintain, especially in the face of adulthood.

There used to be an excellent cartoon in the 1990s called Recess. It was a show about a group of six children who were best friends and all the shenanigans they got up to at school during recess. One of the episodes featured the main character, T.J., breaking his arm. This leaves him unable to play outside during recess and forces him to play a board game that is a parody of our real-world Dungeons and Dragons with a group of friends called “The Pale Kids” inside the school. These “Pale Kids” were shy, introverted children who would rather play board games inside during recess than play outside with the other children. Board gamers are often portrayed and thought of as nerds who like to keep to themselves. On the contrary, board gaming tends to be a social activity in which players need to gather a group of people to play the game, conversing commences, and sometimes there are even snacks involved!

There is a very social aspect to board gaming that requires one to tap into their more extroverted side to partake in such an activity. This is especially true if party games are on the table. For example, Werewords is a social deduction party game that is essentially 20 Questions meets Werewolf. Players ask the Mayor (a role played by one of the players) yes or no questions to determine what the magic word is, but there’s a twist: there are players playing the role of werewolves who are trying to sway players into the wrong line of questioning. At the end of the game, players try to figure out each other’s roles in a last-ditch effort to win the game. This is the type of game that requires high energy, interpersonal skills, and loads of social interaction. How is it that so many introverted people consume an activity that requires so much extroversion? I believe the answer lies in the ability to connect with one another, with the focus being on something else. The game is the focus instead of the conversations that take place.

Through these moments of connection, friendships are built. It can be really difficult for adults to develop and maintain friendships. Unlike in Recess, we do not have school to foster friendships. We can think of the workplace as a space to meet people and create friendships, but often, work does not have the same social norms that school has to make developing friendships part of the culture. Board games are a source of play, which has always been the foundation of building friendships. Children make friends while playing at the park or running around during recess in school. Play is fundamental to constructing connections with others. Studies have shown that board games of all kinds can help develop positive social behaviors in children (Eriksson et al., 2021), as well as soft skills in adults (Herman Bin Mohd Radzi, et al., 2020). It may be difficult for introverted people to make friends, especially as adults, when there are limited resources. Board games provide that resource for an introverted adult to be part of a community. We can find a sense of belonging in the act of play, which is so important for our mental health.

Play elevates the mind. Eurogames are a perfect example of this, as Eurogame players exhibit more interest in the gameplay process and the intellectual activity it produces. “The emphasis on games as a social and intellectual activity, rather than an opportunity for valorization, made eurogames the perfect match for hobby gamers precisely because hobby gameplay has always been centrally concerned with process rather than outcome” (Woods, 2012). Play is a source of leisure, puzzle-solving, and interpersonal connections. Mental health is an important facet of the human experience, and playing board games can help improve it (Cès et al., 2024). That sense of belonging is crucial to one’s mental health and general well-being. We cannot psychologically survive without community.

As mentioned before, it can be difficult to develop and maintain community as an adult. Board games provide the means to create and be part of a community. This is especially true if players attend board gaming conventions. Attending a convention might be an introvert’s nightmare, but I would challenge one to attend with at least one friend or family member if they have the means. I’ve attended many conventions at this point and have found the board game community to be quite kind. There are many social issues, of course, as in any community, as is our society. I do not want to ignore that glaring fact, but there are a lot of positive experiences to be had.

Community and Identity

I am a shy, introverted person who has historically made friends easily but found it difficult to make it worth their while to stay. It saddens me to have lost so many friends along the way. These were deep connections I made as a child and teenager all the way through college that have fizzled out. I have lost these friends for many reasons, but the most prominent one is that we just grew apart. We no longer had a commonality keeping us together, such as school. Work became taxing, and life got busy; we were too busy to make time for each other. Honestly, I have reached out to past friends, as I still care about them, but to no avail. It has made me feel lonely, like an outcast, and as though I am not worth people’s time. I’m sure many of us have felt similarly. This is why feeling like we belong somewhere and having genuine friendships is so important for our mental well-being.

Board games have brought me a sense of community and identity and have given me a means to tap into my more extroverted side. It can be difficult for me to formulate things to talk about with people due to my painful shyness, but board games have given me a breadth of topics to talk about… endlessly. I even created a YouTube channel to talk about all the ideas that pop into my mind related to board gaming. This quickly turned into speaking about social issues in the board gaming community because I care so much for everyone to feel included, understood, and accepted. While creating this channel, I came out as a transmasculine, nonbinary person and transitioned quite publicly. I have received loads of support even through the weeds of hateful comments. This has helped me find my people and a sense of belonging in the board gaming community.

Through my YouTube channel, I have had the fortune of attending conventions, meeting other content creators, and developing long-lasting friendships. Me! Someone who gets nervous talking to his own shadow. It’s not always easy, as I am plagued with anxiety and have lost friends along the way. It is a vicious cycle of reaching out, not receiving a response, and thus believing I am not good at making long-lasting friends. I search for deep connections with people, which might be too much for some to handle or desire. It can be extremely discouraging for someone who cares so much about inclusivity and belonging. Sometimes, I feel as though I am trapped on a Dark Road that rides a circular path. I’ve recently been playing Merchants of the Dark Road by Elf Creek Games and wrote a poem inspired by it and my longing for deep friendships:

Merchants of the Dark Road

Though I am shy, my friends came easily;
though I am giving, they never quite stayed.
They were adventurers on quests,
a party I wasn’t invited to.
I would give them what they needed:
a book, an instrument, maybe a potion.
Then round and round I went
to deliver them to their destination.
I didn’t know this meant saying “goodbye.”

I think about my lost friends often
and wonder if I’ve been forgotten.
Am I really just a horse and carriage
for heroes to chat with to bide their time?
Do we all venture to the Dark Market
in hopes that friends will come and stay?
Fulfilling contracts in place of agreements
but with the wind, these heroes sway.

To all those who have been forgotten,
do not fret for there are many more miles
and more adventures for the undertaking.
We carry memories along this path
as we are Merchants of the Dark Road.

Board gaming has given me so many fond memories, such as absolute betrayal when finding out my sister was the traitor in a tight game of Battlestar Galactica (that skin job!) or laughing until I couldn’t breathe because of the jokes that were told around the table while playing even the driest of Eurogames, or a sense of gratitude when my brother learned and taught the rules in one sitting for many games. I have had a blast and learned much about interpersonal relationships because of board games.

Lessons Learned From Gaming

Playing board games comes with many lessons. We learn not to take games so seriously and that we can still be competitive while having fun without the stress of needing to win. It teaches us patience in learning something new, such as the rules of a brand-new board game. That patience can transfer to knowing how to work with other personalities. So many new board games come out each year, which can embolden our optimism for change and our openness to differing ideas and schools of thought. It is a place where our imaginations can run wild and free, and we learn not to stifle ourselves in the face of social norms. Too often, we cage ourselves from our authenticity because of what society demands of us—to be complacent in the rules that have been set out for us. Board gaming lets us shape our own rules by the creativity it sparks and the interpersonal relationships it fosters (even those we are “not allowed” to have). Playing board games lends itself to critical thinking, which is necessary for change to be had and for deeper dialogue to commence. This is what community, inclusivity, and belonging are all about.

Most of all, board gaming is just plain fun. Escaping into the worlds set out before us on the table brings about a form of togetherness and excitement. There is victory to be had, and there are losses to be endured. Sometimes, we experience absolute obliteration by an opponent or the thrill of a nail-biting win! These things make board games so much fun to play and can bring such joy. When we feel that type of joy, oftentimes, we want to share the experience with other people. Perhaps that is why we are always looking for the next great gateway game that can bring others into the hobby. Furthermore, team building comes naturally from playing board games. Cooperative games are some of my favorites for this because nothing quite has the same type of bonding experience, like when you narrowly escape the clutches of the Ancient One in Arkham Horror 2nd Edition and save the town from doom… or when the game absolutely kicks your butt and are now lost in time and space for all eternity- the typical thing that happens.

These moments bring about connection, not just with friends but with family as well. Board games have brought my siblings and me closer over the years, and that closeness reminds me that the Road doesn’t always need to be so Dark. Sometimes, there are lanterns to guide the way.

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Works Cited

Cès, P., Duflos, M., Tricard, E., Jhean-Larose, S., & Giraudeau, C. (2024). Playing board games to increase emotional competencies in school-age children and older people: A systematic review. Leisure Sciences, 1–24. https://doi.org/10.1080/01490400.2024.2373415

Eriksson, M., Kenward, B., Poom, L., & Stenberg, G. (2021). The behavioral effects of cooperative and competitive board games in preschoolers. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 62(3), 355–364. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12708

Herman Bin Mohd Radzi, S., Yuan Ying, T., Zukuwwan Zainol Abidin, M., & Azwa Ahmad, P. (2020). The effectiveness of board game towards soft skills development for higher education. Elementary Education Online. https://doi.org/10.17051/ilkonline.2020.02.111

Woods, S. (2012). Eurogames: The design, culture and play of Modern European Board games. McFarland.